October Q&A

1. Is K your soulmate?
Yes! When we first began the relationship, I wouldn’t have thought I’d say that Luis is my soulmate too. However, Katie and Louie are soulmates, and with time I believe he became mines too because Katie and Luis are one.  I don’t think one is limited to only one soulmate. We can have many in this lifetime, nor do they all have to be romantic, but in this case I’m happy to say Katie and Louie are my soulmates and we’re completely in love with each other.

2. Will you guys have a commitment ceremony/wedding?
Yes, yes, yes! We don’t know exactly when because we want to save up for it, and with our expensive taste it looks like we’ll need to do lots of that. We know we want to go big when the time comes without cutting any corners. We have so many ideas already because we work in the wedding industry, and we get the opportunity for lots of inspo. I’m excited for when it does happen!  

3. How do all 3 of you act together in public? Is it hard/do you see any judgement?
We are completely open and unapologetic about who we are in public. Katie and Louie were never the type to show PDA because they consider that to be private. Affection is one of my love languages, and so we had to learn to come to a common ground where we three get what we need and feel good about it. We hold hands and are sweet with each other while out and about, but rarely show anything more than that. In the beginning, Katie and Louie really struggled with caring what people thought and who was watching us. I’ve always had a different attitude toward it, and never cared who saw us or judged, and to this day I don’t. When we do show PDA we get an array of expressions, but the key is to walk confidently because there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!

4. How do you feel with family expectations and them accepting your family?
Katie’s and my parents currently do not accept our unique family structure, and that’s been a painful yet healing journey of its own. Thankfully, our siblings have been very loving and supportive. The three of us have handled the pain in different ways by going to therapy and putting clamps on the relationships that have needed a pause for a bit. However, I’ve recently started communicating and spending time with my parents again, and they’ve agreed to attend a therapy sesh with me. Louie’s mom doesn’t officially know, but she knows if you know what I mean. I think her perspective on our dynamic is different than Katie’s and my parents because she lived with us for some time. She saw how essential I am to the family, and how important I am to both Katie and Louie. Her and I grew close, she’s always loved and appreciated me, and has been so loving and kind. Every Mother’s Day she calls and sends Katie and I her best wishes. One year she told Luis “tell Raquel I say Happy Mother’s Day because she is Lukas’ mom too”.  

5. How do you decide who gets middle seat on movie dates or on the couch cuddling?
Whenever we go on movie dates we kind of just sit wherever. Sometimes one of us will vocalize if we want to be in the middle, but we usually just go with the flow. The couch situation is a different story since we have our preferred seating. Katie and Louie both love being on each end of the couch because of the end table and the arm rest, and I love being in the middle so that’s where I usually sit. Sometimes we switch spots, but that’s never an issue because at the end of it we’re all together and that’s what matters most.

6. What’s your sleeping arrangement? Do you sleep in the same spots or rotate?
We usually sleep in the same spots, but sometimes we change things up and change who sleeps in the middle. I’m a stomach sleeper, so the middle makes me feel really constrained. Katie says it takes a lot of sacrifice to be in the middle LOL

7. How do you manage finances as a triad?
I’m actually going to do a post on this, but I’ll share a bit! In the beginning we had separate finances and we each had certain things we paid for to pull our weight. Once we felt it was time to take the next step we decided to open one bank account. I manage the finances by budgeting biweekly, and that way we stay focused on our goals.  

8. How did you all get together?
This is a long one, and a much more elaborate story is here and here. Katie and Louie got married in 2007. I met Katie at a baby shower in 2012, and we instantly became friends. In 2014, for my 21st birthday, I drunkenly kissed Katie, and she immediately told Luis. He’s always known she’s bisexual, and so he posed the idea of Katie and I exploring something together. It was initially a V dynamic, meaning Katie and Louie were one relationship, and Katie and I were another; Luis was just my best friend. In 2017, we organically transitioned to a throuple dynamic!

9. What are some of the struggles you guys faced starting out?
*sigh* The beginning was rough for us. As much love as there was in the beginning, there were also so many hurdles and challenges. It sucked not having anyone to talk to or resources to help us navigate through things, and we weren’t sure we’d even make it to be honest with you. We struggled with jealousy, balancing time together, learning to communicate with our different styles of communication, learning each other’s love languages, learning that it wasn’t a competition for love and attention because we’re all on the same team, not getting defensive with each other for every single thing, and learning to live with each other. Katie and Louie lived with each other for so many years prior to me moving in, and so it was an adjustment for all of us. They had their way of doing things, and adding a brand new person, their habits, and personality to the mix on a DAILY basis can be tough to adjust to at first. Thankfully, Katie always pushed us to practice open communication, and that helped us immensely.  

10.  How do you balance spending quality time with each other? Is it generally all 3 of you all the time?
In the beginning of our relationship I think there was more of a focus on being “fair” with quality time together, but after being with each other for a few years and with life being so busy for us, we’ve learned to just go with the flow, and we also ensure to block out weekends where we spend time with Lukas or have a triad getaway. Weekdays in our home are usually a mix. Sometimes the three of us are all together, sometimes it’s just Katie and Louie (on the nights I work my part time) and sometimes it’s me and Louie (the nights that Katie works till late). Weekends are usually the four of us unless one of us is in need of some alone time to recharge or simply wants to hang back at home with Lukas. Katie and I tend to do self-care activities together most of the time, but there are times where our schedules conflict and we end up going separately.

11.  How do you handle jealousy in the relationship?
I’ll also be doing a post on this since this is important to talk about, but first remember that jealousy is a normal feeling whether you’re poly or monogamous. We’re conditioned to feeling this. Whenever we personally experience this feeling we practice open communication, process the feelings together, and most importantly use empathy to work through them. It takes a lot of hard conversations, self-work and self-knowledge to navigate through it. It takes time to discover our bad habits and unlearn them. With time and effort the jealousy subsides though. Jealousy is just an outward symptom of insecurity. The more secure you feel in the relationship and the stronger your bond grows, the less jealous you’ll feel.  

12. Best advice to a married couple new to poly? What are some real life tips or things to do/avoid when treading this new territory with someone new?
Ensuring that the marriage/relationship is completely solid PRIOR to adding someone into the dynamic is of utter importance. Make sure you aren’t just giving in to your spouse/partner who wants to add someone into the relationship- you have to be on the same page. Know that communication will be amplified 1000%, and know that boundaries are totally okay. Expect to learn/uncover things about yourself and your partner that you may not have expected to learn. You’re also going to have to be okay with having so many hard and uncomfortable conversations, but that’s the only way the relationship can grow and progress. Being in a poly dynamic is going to reveal so many blind spots about yourself, and you can choose to push them away and have your relationship be affected by it OR work on those blind spots for your good and for the benefit of the dynamic. In short, make sure one and two are good before three comes along.

13.  What do you love about your family?
Gosh, I love so much about them! I love how understanding we are of each other. We always try to give each other what we want and need. I love how giving we are to each other, and how supportive we are of each other’s dreams and visions. We call each other out on our blind spots, and always strive to be better for ourselves and each other. I love how Katie and Louie spoil me, but they don’t let me get bratty- they call me out REAL QUICK. We’re genuinely there for each other all the time. We have so many awesome adventures, and have made so many beautiful memories. Lukas is such an integral part of our days and joy, too. He keeps us on our toes, and he always gets us laughing. If I keep going though, I’m pretty sure I’ll sound like a sap.  

14.  I’ve recently entered a poly relationship with a couple- any tips on the first few months?
Feeling like an outsider is totally normal, but express how you feel. A lot of times we create situations in our own head, and they want to turn into our truths. Open communication is key so that those lies and feelings don’t bottle up internally and surface externally. It can be so easy to compare your new dynamic to their seasoned one, but comparison kills! Remember that they are their own people, and their energies have created a dynamic of their own. Adding your energy in will create a new dynamic with each of your partners and the relationship as a whole. Try to enjoy every new memory being made without getting hung up on comparison. Without their journey, you probably wouldn’t have been part of it so make the best of it and enjoy it!

If red flags are being raised and you notice the primary relationship is toxic or affecting you negatively, then you may want to reconsider that dynamic. Don’t get caught up in having a savior complex because adding a third in the mix will not fix their relationship. Lastly, when arguments happen, because they totally will, it’s okay to vocalize that you need to step away for a bit to level yourself out and then return to the conversation when all parties are ready. Find what works for you and your dynamic.   

15.  Name one memorable moment you shared with one another that was spontaneous
In the very beginning of our relationship, I lived about an hour away from Katie and Louie. During the week (usually a Tuesday or Wednesday) we would meet halfway and have dinner together, and I’d spend just about every weekend with them in Baltimore. One night we missed each other so badly, and we met up at the National Harbor. We had dinner, parked the car in a neighborhood adjacent to the restaurants/stores, and we talked for hours. The conversations were endless, and we kept finding ways to avoid saying goodbye. Before we knew it, it was 12am. Katie jokingly threw out there the idea of us sleeping in the car so we could be together. Well, that joke turned into a reality and we slept in the back of my SUV that night. It was chilly, and it was physically uncomfortable since we had no blankets or pillows, but that didn’t matter because we had each other.  

16.  This question is for Raquel: How did you transition into a relationship with Luis?
When Katie and I started dating, I had no romantic feelings for Louie. We had a deep friendship and we cared about each other so much. However, we still very much functioned like a family, and always called ourselves a triad because of how deep our love for each other was. It was a lot easier for Katie to maintain two relationships since she didn’t have a day job at the time, and she could easily focus on each dynamic. Two years into the relationship, Katie got an opportunity to be a worship pastor at our church. That shifted things a bit, and since time became more scarce we three spent much more time together. Spending more time together  meant that our bond got a lot stronger, and it also meant that Louie and I got to know each other on an even deeper level. Everything happened so organically with us, and we decided to merge the relationship and become a throuple. It did come with its set of challenges because that was new territory for us since we were so used to having separate relationships, but we’ve learned so much along the way and are happy!

17.  How did you take the step of living together?
This happened so organically for us as well. For a long time I knew I wanted to live in Maryland. I think I just liked how much more of a city feel it had than good ol’ Burke, Virginia. When I graduated from George Mason University, I began to look into graduate programs in Maryland. By this point, we were one year into our V dynamic, and Lukas was a few months old. Visiting each other during the week became much harder, and the goodbyes became even more painful. Katie and Louie talked behind the scenes about the possibility of me moving in with them, and one day they presented the idea to me. It worked out because I got into a graduate program at Loyola, and in 2015 I moved in with them and shook their world with my OCD.
  

18.  To Raq: Are you open with your students about the triad? If so, how do you navigate that?
When I first started teaching, our poly dynamic was very different to what it is today. We were a V dynamic, and so I didn’t feel the need to disclose who Luis was; my kids knew about Katie and Lukas. I hung up pictures of all four of us on my classroom “All About Me” board, and the kids would ask “who is he?”. I would tell them he was my family, and the question never delved any deeper than that. When our triad relationship shifted we were still closeted, and so coming out to my students wasn’t even a thought in my head. This past year we came out publicly, and over the summer our story was featured on Barcroft TV and on Snapchat. Having our story appear on Snapchat gave us visibility, which meant everyone, including my students, saw the video. The first month of school so many students came up to me congratulating me and thanking me for my transparency and vulnerability. They were really supportive of us!

Every year, I present an “All About Me” powerpoint during the first week of school, and this year I knew I wanted to share who Luis is to me. I was kind of conflicted on how to do it because I work with all kinds of students, including those who come from super conservative homes. Luckily, I have a lot of support from my school administration. They know about this and helped guide me on how to talk about my family. They felt bad that I had to even find a way to talk about my family rather than just being completely out and open with my kids, but it’s understandable given that I work with kids who are at an impressionable age. They recommended that I express this is my family, and if a student asked about specifics I could decide if I wanted to share or circle back around it at some point in the school year. I know my kids know about my family structure. I’m sure it’s very different for them, and is definitely a conversation starter, but I’m okay with that. I think it’s important for kids to be exposed to the different kinds of family structures out there in society because it’s only going to keep evolving.

19.  Do you guys distribute sex equally?
So, I’ll be honest friends. Sex is a topic we don’t really discuss with others. We understand that poly territory is new to so many people and they just want guidance, but questions on sex life can be triggering to some, especially those who have faced trauma. However, I will say that open conversations help with learning to navigate that part of the dynamic. Ask the uncomfortable questions, and find what works for you because what works for us may not work for another family.

Xo,

Raq, Katie and Louie