The One Where Katie Spills Her Guts Out
These past few weeks have brought a lot of opportunities for Katie to share different stories in her life. Last weekend she was invited to a FreeState Justice event, which honed in on different LGBTQ stories that focused on the topic of freedom. For those who don’t know, Katie’s used to speaking in church settings, but she’s never told this story from a stage or a pulpit before. She was nervous to say the least, but she shared her story so well. We went live on our @triadfam IG page that night, but I wish everyone could have heard her story. So, I’ve decided to share it on this blog post in hopes that it can inspire you all just like it did to everyone in the room that night.
“My name is Katie Simbala and I’m a NYC Bronx native living in Baltimore city. When I was a kid play time looked like this: I would put all of my stuffed animals in audience style seating, grab my favorite bible storybook, read and speak sternly to them with a lot of hand gestures. I always felt called to speaking and sharing stories, and the Pentecostal church gave me that outlet.
Fast forward to adulthood, and I’m a worship pastor in a conservative church. I was a church professional living a dualistic life. I presented as a straight monogamous woman, but really I was a queer, bi, polyamorous one.
Luis was my first real boyfriend and the only boy I had ever really ever been attracted to. Before him I was only attracted to girls. In fact, I thought I was a lesbian before I met him. In my mind he had “cured” me. We got married and we didn’t look back. We loved each other deeply that even through all the waves, we decided over and over again to stay committed to each other.
Then I meet this girl at a baby shower and lure her in with my wit and comedic awkwardness. I stick my finger in a hole in my pocket and say “hi, I’m Katie, I have a hole in my pocket”. Somehow I hooked her. In all honesty I wasn’t seeking anything more than just a friendship. I realized I was attracted to her the way a protagonist in a rom-com finds out she’s in love with the best friend: a drunken kiss. She kissed me innocently, platonically, but that kiss made me realize those feelings never left. I wasn’t cured.
So now that I realize I’m attracted to Raquel, I’m afraid of what this means. I did what I always did when presented with hard emotional processing. I went to my best friend and life partner. I went to Luis. I told him what happened and he gently proposed the idea of exploring this side of my sexuality that was repressed to be accepted by the church.
I started on a voyage with no clear destination. All I knew is that I was in love with these two beautiful humans and we were all deciding to do life together. Life together started to get complicated since I was navigating two different identities. I felt captive to the perceived identity I presented with for so long. I had a reputation. Among my peers I was respected, but not for my whole self.
In late 2016 I was having a lot of inner conflict on my identity and on how my decision of staying closeted was affecting Raquel. I wasn’t honoring her place in my life. People viewed her as the friend that helped us with Lukas, but in reality, she was the mother of our child. By early 2017 I decided to come out to the congregation I was serving. It took us a while to muster up the courage, but I was certain that this was what I needed to do.
I was fired the next week on a Tuesday, and felt defeated. I didn’t know what the next steps were. All I knew is that whatever steps were going to be taken would be in complete honesty and transparency. I googled “gay-friendly church”, and I realized that the Lutheran church on the corner of my block was LGBTQ affirming. I met with the pastor that Wednesday. He connected me with another Lutheran pastor, who just so happens to be from the Bronx and also grew up Pentecostal just like me.
By Friday of that same week I met up with her at a Thai restaurant with this new decision to live authentically, and so I poured my heart out to her. I was 100% honest and held nothing back. She listened without judgment and by the end of my confession, she offered me a job.
Coming out was scary. I was literally killing this other identity that I had operated under for so long. We told our parents, and then made a public announcement of who we are on social media, where the majority of my network were conservative Christians. I’ve lost a lot of friends, networks, and resources since then, but this year was also the year that we’ve had the most momentum in sharing our story. Transparency has led me to new freedom where no one else dictates who and what I am. I was told for so long that being gay would separate me from God. I’m amazed to see that God still calls me worthy, beloved and that nothing will ever separate me from that love. A few years ago I could have never stood in front of a crowd like this and feel as free as I do. If only little Katie could see me now”.
The journey to freedom looks different for everyone as we learned that night through the different stories. This is our story of freedom. Getting to that place is hard, painful and will leave you wondering at times if you made the right decision in being transparent and vulnerable, but then you’re reminded of how good it is to truly be free. No hiding, no shame, no fear- just freedom.
Xo,
Katie and Raq
Photography: Will Martinez Photography
