December Q&A

1. How did you guys start and how did you guys take the next step to have a kid?
You can read about how our relationship started, here! Lukas wasn’t necessarily planned per se. Katie was diagnosed with PCOS and had a very low chance of conceiving. They had been trying for 10 years to get pregnant, and it wasn’t happening. We got together in July 2014, and that December Katie found out she was pregnant. Lukas is a miracle baby! After many conversations, we three decided to parent together because we wanted to do life together. We went with our gut and haven’t looked back since.

2. I really admire you guys and your journey together. Any advice on coming out as a triad?
Don’t rush the process. You’ll know and feel when it’s time to do so. Remember that coming out doesn’t look the same for everybody, and that it’s okay to come out to a few people at a time. When we first got together, we only told a handful of friends at first and little by little we told more people until we felt it was time to completely be transparent about who we are. You’ll feel and know how you want to come out, and whatever way that is isn’t wrong. 

3. Hi @thetriadfam, random question, but wedding veil or no veil?
I think I would like to wear a veil on the wedding day! Katie isn’t quite sure if she wants one or not. I guess we’ll see when the time comes! 

4. How do the three of you communicate and how do you resolve any issues without taking sides/isolating your partner?
We have a blog post on our recipe for conflict resolution here, but the gist is communication, communication, communication, and some more communication.  

5. New to a triad here, how do you give yourself to someone while maintaining yourself?
This can apply to any relationship- monogamous or polyamorous. The important part is learning to know yourself first. Understand what you need and want, so that you know what boundaries to set with your partner(s).

6. How can one meet other polyamorous people?
We aren’t familiar with dating apps or anything like that, but we do know of lots of couples who have found their partner on Tinder and OK Cupid. There are also some polyamorous Facebook groups where you can build community and support. Instagram has been a great platform for us in meeting people in our community, and it’s been so refreshing seeing we aren’t alone in this.    

7. How do you merge into a triad?
I can only speak for how we did it, but I think the primary couple needs to have a lot of trust between each other, be solid and have those hard conversations about their dynamic before introducing a third. When they feel like they’ve found someone they’d like to merge in, those hard and honest conversations need to be had with the third so that you three see what the intentions and hopes are.

8. What’s it like being awesome?
Pretty easy. It comes naturally or whatever ;)

9. Do you ever plan to have the equivalent of a wedding as a triad?
Yes!! You can find a more in depth response here, but that is definitely something we want to do in the future.

10. What’s something you think other triads should know?
Know that the first few years can be so hard because you’re trying to navigate this different kind of relationship that has no guidebook. There are a lot of learning curves and so many things to unlearn, and that takes time. Jealousy is not something that diminishes overnight- it takes HARD self and internal work to overcome it, so be kind to yourself. Things like jealousy and self-sabotage are hard to unlearn, so just keep taking steps in the right direction. Even if you take a few steps back, forgive yourself, and keep moving forward. This’ll be a lifelong journey, but it does get easier.

11. Were your parents understanding/patient?
No they weren’t and still aren’t. Our parents have been very clear about their views on our relationship. We come from heavily conservative backgrounds, and so it’s hard for them to see any other way when they’ve known no other way for a very long time. We’re hoping that one day they can look past religious doctrine and toxic theology to see the genuine love there is between us.

12. How did you handle explaining the dynamic of your relationship to your parents/family?
This was one of the hardest things we did. We invited my parents over for dinner so the three of us could talk with them. I also wrote a letter that I planned to read to them. The evening didn’t quite go as planned, and after I read my letter they walked out of our home. It was very hard for them to take in, unfortunately.

Katie had a one-on-one conversation with her mom, which was very organic and unplanned. It was also a hard conversation for them to have, and Katie’s mom didn’t take it very well either. Mainly, the issue here is indoctrination, which is why we are trying very hard to show that being a Christian is more than a set of moral, political, and social constructs.   

13. Is there any kind of hierarchy in the family? Consciously or subconsciously?
There is no hierarchy now, but in the beginning of the relationship (when we were a V dynamic) I think there was one. For example, Katie made sure that Luis had priority in certain aspects. Since this was new territory for us because I came into the marriage, she didn’t want him to feel like the marriage was going to the wayside, and also wanted to honor his place in her life.

With time, building of trust, and becoming a throuple, we came to a place where we’re all equal and have an equal say in the relationship. Each dyad has its own dynamic. Because Luis and Katie have been married for 14 years, they’re dynamic is more seasoned than that of mine and Katie’s and mine and Luis’, but we continue to grow together.

14. Did Luis have any apprehension at the beginning of the relationship?
Luis’ response: I can be pretty apprehensive about a lot of things all of the time, and anyone who knows me will tell you that. I can’t say I wasn’t afraid of how things could turn out. However, I knew the love Katie and Raquel had for each other was real and special. It took a lot of courage to venture into a new relationship dynamic. We all constantly reassured each other on things, and were clearly in consent and agreement together.

15. When is the next kid coming?
It’s coming when it does! Right now isn’t the right time, but we are excited for when that time does come.


16.  Raquel, what was important for you that they did to make you feel like you belonged?
Katie and Luis always included me in everything, including those hard life decisions. They always made sure that my voice was heard, and that my opinions, thoughts and ideas were valued. What I brought to the table was just as important as what they did. I also felt so accepted and validated by them, even when displaying the ugliest parts of myself.

17. Katie, when you were a V, how did you care for both people in your lives in a way that makes them both feel they have your time and attention? and how you do it without putting priority of one over another?
We weren’t always successful with this, and the only way I found balance was having these conversations with both of them in the room instead of individual conversations. Example, Luis is feeling low because something happened at work. He expresses wanting time with me, but I already scheduled time with Raquel. Instead of feeling like I had to choose one over the other, I would have a conversation with the three of us, let Luis explain how he feels, and typically Raquel would see his need and agree to a switch, and vice versa. Instead of making it about equal time, it became more about what each individual needs were. Things no longer work this way as we have merged into becoming one unit (which is honestly relieving). Trying to split my time between these two people I love was becoming exhausting because sometimes it wasn’t fair, but we’ve learned from it. I think I can honestly say, we rarely struggle with this anymore.

Xo,

Raq, Katie & Louie

Photography: Heart Love Photography