A Recipe for Conflict Resolution
Lately, there have been more arguments at home. Most of the time arguments happen between the dyads, meaning a pair in the triad. For example, Katie and me, Louie and me, or Katie and Louie. You know what, friends? Most times our arguments are over something SO petty. Sometimes Louie gets mad if we don’t clean the kitchen as we cook, I get annoyed if the decorative pillows are being used to sleep on, and Katie gets so upset when Luis moves something and doesn’t remember where he put it. Then there are times where the arguments are a little deeper than that because the three of us are leaders and can be head strong in different ways. I’m an enneagram 8 (The Challenger), Katie is an enneagram 3 (The Achiever), and Louie is an enneagram 5 (The Investigator). I guess you can say we’re all difficult to be with in our own way. Friends, we’re human, we run out of patience, have bad habits that need to be unlearned and get triggered by different things. Arguments happen- it’s just part of any relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am not condoning anything toxic, but I do want to touch on how we’ve learned and are continuing to learn how to navigate through conflict resolution because it’s so important in any relationship, whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous.
Katie always loves sharing stories with me during the teachable moments we have together. For this particular subject she shared this story with me:
“Louie and I went out to eat with some friends after a photoshoot. He opened the back of the car, and one of my photography flashes fell out and broke. I was so angry that I went off on him in front of 2 friends we were traveling with. Now, for those of you who may not know, my angry side is not pretty at all. Raquel says it puts the fear of God in you. Anyways, our friends felt the tension and I asked them to go inside the restaurant to give us time to process. We sat in the car for 15 min, I recognized I overreacted, and I asked for forgiveness for my outburst. Luis apologized for breaking my flash, and we moved on feeling great about the resolve. When we walked in, our friends saw how we were genuinely on good terms after what they had just witnessed, and one of our friends asked me in the most sincerest way ‘how did you do that?’. I let her in on our little secret. Sometimes we need to admit we’re wrong, and that requires learning to tame the ego. Luis and I worked hard on that for years, and we realized that it wasn’t a common practice”.
Talking about feelings and emotions can be hard. It requires a level of vulnerability with not only yourself but someone else too, which means putting ego to the side, recognizing when you’re wrong and apologizing for it. Part of communication also means not getting defensive about everything. If you’re an extra sensitive soul like me, it’s hard to not take things personally and turn the constructive criticism into an attack. I can only speak for this triad, but I know there’s no malintent when we call each other out on our blind spots; our ego just feels hurt, which is normal. This can lead to downward spiraling thoughts about self, but when that happens remind yourself of your truths. Also, taking some space away from everything and then reconvening in a much calmer way can help when talking about the situation again.
When the dyads are having an argument, the third person usually stays out of it. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely times when one of us mediates, but we try to steer away from that because it’s important for the dyad to learn how to come to a resolution together. Always having a mediator can become more of a crutch rather than being helpful. For example, if Louie and I are in a dispute, we need to learn how to come to a resolution without Katie being present. I appreciate when she mediates between us because she understands his brain and habits a lot more than I do simply because they’ve been together for 15 years. She really helps me see things from a different lens and understand him a bit more. However, I won’t learn what works for Louie and me nor about him if she’s constantly there to help us. It’s part of the growing pains of our relationship, and something we need to work through together.
Recognizing and understanding both you and your partner’s triggers is also important. When we understand those triggers we can be more empathetic and kinder to ourselves as well as the other person too. We can learn to navigate the argument in a more effective way, and in turn, it helps us heal when we understand the origin of that trigger.
Lastly, a willingness to stop talking and just LISTEN is important. Sometimes I get so defensive and want to advocate for myself so much that I talk over Katie and Louie without even realizing it. I’m a challenger, and I typically challenge what is being said, but I’m learning to stop talking and really listen to their words so that we can move on. Every day can be a teachable moment that can help us become better versions of ourselves if we allow it to.
Friends, I don’t think the objective should be “how can one not argue with their partner(s)”, but more so “how can we navigate through this and come to a resolution”. Arguing is normal. We may not like each other for a few minutes or sometimes even a few hours, but we reconvene, make amends, learn from it and move on because at the end of the day we love each other through it all.
Xo,
Raq
Recipe for effective conflict resolution:
STOP. LISTEN. KILL THE EGO. REPEAT.
