10 Things We've Learned from Being in a Polyamorous Relationship
Happy Friday y’all! We’ve made it through another week of quarantine life, and hopefully your well and stocked up on toilet paper. Time at home with the fam has been amazing and hard at the same time. I mean we always love each other, but sometimes we get lots of “bye felicia” vibes with each other. Is that just us? Nah? Moving on.
Quarantine life has had me reflecting on our relationship, and the things we’ve learned along the way, so today we’re sharing ten things we’ve learned over the past few years.
Empathy is key
This has got to be one of the most important things to learn PERIOD. Building a culture of empathy in our lives helps us become more connected to those around us. Empathy means vulnerability. It provides a sacred space to share what you feel so that others can understand and share those feelings. It means we let others know they aren’t alone. In a dynamic like ours, where emotions and feelings can get triggered even easier, practicing empathy helps us feel safe when we share what we feel. We remember the times we may have felt those emotions being shared, and we work together to help the other person work through that. Be kind, be curious, connect and listen. Brené Brown is a Simbala fave, and she often discusses empathy and vulnerability. You can find her guide and discussion questions on empathy here!The laundry piles up even quicker
Okay, I’m sure our laundry piles don’t compare to those of a family with a ton of kids, but gosh our laundry piles up quickly. We’re grateful for laundry services that help us stay efficient, and these mamas are using all the free labor we can get with Lukas.Sleeping in the middle is a sacrificial act of love & service
Bless Katie. She is the middle sleeper, and it just works out that way since she prefers to sleep on her side while Louie and I love having the side to stretch out and get some cool air. Although being in the middle means you get sandwiched by your faves, it also means you get really hot at night, and night time sweats are never any fun.Communicate or else…
Communication, communication, COMMUNICATION. There can never be too much communication in a relationship, and gosh does it get harder when you add in an additional person to the mix. Convos can be twice as long, and there’s more room for miscommunication. It doesn’t only mean having the hard, emotional conversations, but it also means effectively making your point to all parties. Also, thank the good Lord for group chats because I’m not sure what we would do without them.The relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s and that’s okay
It can be easy to get in a comparison mindset. We do it every day, especially with social media. How many times have we compared ourselves or our relationship to another’s? It happens. We’re guilty of it, but remember that 1. Nothing is as it appears because we can’t see the full picture and 2. Every relationship is different and that’s okay. There is no rule book as to how a relationship should look like. Do what works best for you and your family.Nothing wrong with slow and steady
When we first ventured into a V dynamic, we moved slowly and at a pace that felt right. A few years later we transitioned into a throuple dynamic, and we moved too quickly without even realizing it. We ventured in unchartered territory and had some hiccups with the communication piece, and before we knew it things were spiraling out of control. We put pause on things, and thankfully therapy helped us get to a much better place. There’s honestly nothing better than going slow and steady. Take your time to feel things out, ensure you’re solid with your person/people before moving to the next step, discuss any boundaries, and have the really hard conversations.Intros can be awkward
Introductions can be awkward, especially when people assume Katie and I are sisters. *insert awkward chuckle* We’ve found that the more confident you are when introducing your partners and family, the more respect you’ll get from the person you’re introducing them to. Unfortunately, that’s just the way it is. There have been times where we’ve gotten nervous about introducing our family to someone, and they don’t take us as seriously as we’d like. It can take time feeling 100% comfortable with introducing them, especially if you don’t live in a lgbtq friendly area. Be confident about your family and your love! It’s a beautiful thing, and there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.Faith and love are boundless
We grew up in faith traditions that challenge the way we currently live our lives. According to that structure, we’re living in absolute separation from God, therefore, our faith is invalid and futile. Living separated from God meant we would lead horrible lives full of lack and struggle, nothing would go right, and we’d live in certain, perpetual doom. We honestly believed EVERYTHING we were taught and tried to follow it to the tee, which resulted in lack, struggle, mental hardships, physical ailments, gossip wars, drama, and toxic spirituality because those in leadership genuinely thought they owned us. Needless to say it wasn’t the best of environments, so we decided to walk away from the conservative ways we were taught to believe. And guess what? We realized that faith isn’t bound by a specific set of guidelines or understanding- our experience is teaching us otherwise. God is greater than our own understanding.Our faith isn’t based on us nor on what we do/don’t do, but on the sheer fact that a Savior came, died, rose on the third day and promised he’d always be with us. ALWAYS. It’s not based on merit or on good behaviors but on grace alone [sola gratia in Latin]. Sola Gratia says: salvation is made possible only by grace, and the faith and works of men are secondary means that have their origins in and are sustained by grace. Meaning we do nothing to earn it and there’s nothing that could ever separate us from this amazing Love (Romans 8:38). We learned that faith and love are boundless, and this is what we lean on. We also respect and understand all other practices of Christianity, and we hold nothing but the upmost respect for all other religions as well. We believe in Light and Love that will never give up on us. That’s where our faith is placed.
That enneagram stuff is a total game changer
When Katie started her Job with the Bishop’s office they introduced her to the enneagram. They believed it was good to know the kind of person you were working with. When she saw how it worked and found it helpful, she had us take the test too.
We all had glass-shattering moments. It highlighted our personality traits, which were so spot on, and shed a light on total blind spots. It helped us understand when we were in our ‘heart point’ (healthy) and when we were in our ‘stress point’ (unhealthy), and so we started to focus on the areas of our personality that needed to be reworked.
Real life example: Luis used to get so upset when I’d challenge EVERYTHING he would do. Katie and Louie decided to read “The Road Back to You” by Ian Morgan Cron & Suzanne Stabile. They were listening to the audible version, and my enneagram number came on (8: The Challenger). Luis came out of that car with a greater understanding of why he, an enneagram 5, felt so undermined by the constant challenge I’d present. He learned that I wasn’t after him- it’s just a part of my personality type and no malintent on my end. That was a game changer for him, and he recategorized those interpreted behaviors. Ultimately, it brought us closer together individually and relationally. There’s power in “Knowing Thyself”. Self-knowledge offers us better routes to happiness, and diving into this poly world without doing the hard inner work to learn about yourself would be, in our opinion, reckless and harmful. Check out this helpful article!Don’t suppress the jealousy, understand the trigger
Jealousy is normal people. We all feel it, and when it’s usually triggered it gets swept under the rug. Being in a poly dynamic brings that ish out because there’s no room for hiding feelings, but honestly, that’s a good thing. It forces you to confront it and understand what exactly is triggering that jealousy. So the next time you feel triggered, talk about it and try to understand why it’s getting flared up. When we don’t do the inner work to understand our triggers, then we only delay the soul healing that needs to be done.
