Two Moms and a Dad
Hey friends! One of the first things people ask us about when learning about our dynamic is Lukas, how we parent him, and if he knows about us. To us it all seems so normal, but I know to so many others it may boggle their minds. So, here it goes!
Lukas was born one year into my relationship with Katie. I remember being faced with the decision of whether or not this was something I wanted to do. I was 22 years old, and I was in a relationship I had no idea would lead to what. The three of us had plenty of long conversations where we asked ourselves so many questions like “What would this look like? What does this mean for Lukas? What if he gets bullied? Will I be considered his mama? ” and many more. After so many long convos and lots of reflecting, I knew this was something I wanted to do. I wanted to be this boy’s mama, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
The very first time I held him I felt such love and elation. I remember feeling such a thick, tangible, loving energy in the hospital room the moment they brought him to us. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I also felt nervous because I knew his arrival shifted our worlds. A part of me felt like it would be a competition for time and attention, but then again was it really a competition? I was welcoming him into my world too. I knew I’d adjust to our new reality, and I did. We did. I struggled with feeling subpar to Katie because I wasn’t his biological mother. I had so much love for this boy and felt in my heart like his mama, but so many “what ifs” dangerously entered my mind. “What if he didn’t think of me as his mom? What if he didn’t want me to be his mom? What if he hated me? What if I wasn’t good enough? What if I messed him up?” It was hard silencing those negative voices.
The worst was when he would cry with me at times, yet feel so soothed by Katie. I laugh about this now, but I’d always tell Katie and Louie “See, he hates me!!”, and Katie would lovingly respond with “babe, Lukas doesn’t even know what hate is. You’re doing great”- totally valid, but I still felt what I felt. It didn’t help that I lived an hour away from them at that point in our relationship because time between us became a bit more scarce, but when we were together, I made sure to connect with him as much as I could.
I moved past my feelings of insecurity by allowing my nurturing side to come out and connect with him through skin to skin bonding, bottle feedings, putting him down for naps, singing to him, playing with him, and telling him I too was his mom and that I loved him so much. I jumped at every opportunity I could to do something with and for Lukas. I moved in with Katie and Louie when he was 5 months old, and that made things A LOT easier for us because I was able to help and spend much more time with him. Little by little my bond and connection with Lukas grew and strengthened.
At 1.5 years of age, Lukas was diagnosed with a speech delay. When the therapists from the Infants and Toddlers program came to the house to assess Lukas we told them about our family dynamic. We didn’t really know what to expect from them or what their response to an out-of-the-norm family would be, but they were so kind about it. It became even more real to me that I was his mama when the Board of Education recognized me as his mother on official IEP (Individualized Education Plan) documents, which would provide Lukas with speech services at school. We were in such shock and so excited when we received those documents that read the words “Lukas lives with his two mothers and father in Baltimore City”. That was and is a milestone for us. Lukas has been so fortunate to have teachers and therapists who love and accept us as a family!
The three of us learned to navigate the whole parenting thing together, and having three sets of hands to help with a kid is uh-maze-ing. It really is such a privilege and blessing because I don’t think we had it as rough as other newborn parents do. When Lukas was a newborn, the three of us switched off for night time feedings, which meant no dark circles under our eyes because more sleep- hallelujah! Now that Lukas is older, the three of us still take turns with his much easier bedtime routine, we handle morning routines, school drop offs and after school pickups, and if one or two of us has something to do there is always one who is able to stay back with Lukas if need be. Having three adults on deck has given us the flexibility to take on new projects and ventures that we may not have been able to be take on had there only been two adults in the mix. When I say we are grateful, I really mean that.
Aside from just having a lot more help than most, one of my favorite parts of triad parenting is how the three of us are able to give Lukas something so different. Luis loves teaching Lukas new and everyday things like breaking apart toys and putting them back together, navigating video games, correctly pronouncing words and reading. He loves making Lukas use his brain to think about things in a logical way. Lukas knows he won’t get away with much with dad since he’s the disciplinarian and structured parent, but the love they have for each other is so evident. I always catch myself getting those heart eyes when I see them watching car shows together because it is the cutest thing ever.
Then there’s Katie and Lukas’ dynamic, which is so beautiful. Those two have a deep soul bond, and she understands him in such a meaningful way because they’re so similar. Katie is a free spirit, and in turn helps foster that same inquisitive and free spirit in our little guy. They love exploring together, and it’s admirable to see how Katie lets him lead a lot of the time. Ok, it sometimes gives Louie and me anxiety because he’s still learning boundaries, but I know he’s safe with her and that he’s just learning as he explores. Whenever Katie is home, it’s as if no one or nothing else matters because it’s all about those two and their silly moments, and witnessing Katie’s inner child come out whenever they play together is pure sweetness.
Lukas is my bestie. I’m tough on him, but I love on him so hard and he knows that I correct with love. I nurture him, and help him process and understand his feelings and emotions, which can try my patience at times, but he’s doing great. When he starts sobbing or whenever I sense anxiety from him, we do breathing exercises together and speak affirmations. Funnily so, the other day one of his friends was crying and he knelt down and said “you okay? hey, breathe. Just breathe” as he attempted to show her how to do it. We watch purse unboxings together, and he says “yes mama!” when he thinks something looks pretty on me. All I know is my boy’s got a good eye! My favorite part about our bond is our spiritual connection. There’s something about water and Earth’s beauty that grounds us and connects us, and I absolutely love that I get to experience that with him.
In Lukas’ world he has three parents, and he doesn’t know any different. Family group hugs are his norm, and are one of his fave things to do when we are all together. He’ll pull two of us together, call for the third and say “hug, hug, hug!!”. Also, holding both his mama’s hands and caressing his face with them always makes him smile from ear to ear. He hasn’t asked us questions about our dynamic yet because he hasn’t realized he’s different than most kids; all he knows is that he is loved. Although I’m sure that time will come, I don’t think it’ll phase him. He’s already so confident in himself (very very humbly aware of his cuteness, too, I might add), and we want to continue fostering that in him especially when it comes to sharing about his unique and beautiful family. He took our family picture for show and tell the other day, and shared as much as he verbally could that he has two mamas and a dad! If we project shame about our family, then Lukas will only absorb that and do the same as well. Kids are a product of their environment! There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about because at the core of this family is a love that abounds. Thanks for reading!
Xo,
Raq
Photography: Heart Love Photography
