6 Lessons I've Learned from Lukas
At the age of 22 I became a mama in an unconventional way. I had just graduated college, and a few days post grad I left my parent’s nest and moved in with Katie, Louie and Lukas, who was only 5 months old at the time. I had just gotten a taste of the real world, was going through my own growing pains, and added this new role in my life- being a mama to a newborn. I was a kid parenting another kid, and boy did it teach me a lot. Here are a few things that being a mama to my strong-willed, free-spirited boy has taught me:
1. Flexibility works
I’m an enneagram 8, so if you know anything about the enneagram you know we 8’s always want control. I wanted Lukas to always do things my way failing to realize that this boy is always going to move to the beat of his own drum no matter what. My boundaries were always SO rigid with him, and I, of course, thought it was the right thing to do. I came to a place of either learning to foster his inquisitive spirit or getting upset because he wasn’t doing things my way. I was constantly over-correcting him, and it took for me to get outside of myself and remember that just as my free spirit is in need of flexibility, my son needs the same from me. I hate when people try to keep me inside the lines, and I can’t do the same with him because he doesn’t thrive in environments like that. When I started to let go and let him take the reins on things I could trust him with, I found that my relationship with him grew deeper, and in turn we began to trust each other more. Don’t get me wrong, there was always an abundance of love and a sense of trust between us, but it became less about parenting to reprimand and more about parenting to foster a connection and relationship.
2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I grew up in a home where it was my parent’s way or the highway, and my parents would always use the Bible to justify why I should obey them. So when it became my turn to parent, I had this concept that parenting was just like that. I was above Lukas because I was the mom and he’s the child, and he HAS to obey me. Don’t get me wrong, he is a child who needs guidance because he’s still learning, but he isn’t less than just because of his age. One day I was meditating and I had a realization that Lukas is a soul just like me, and in this lifetime he came in a physical form as my son. I realized the need for mutual respect. I don’t want my son to respect me out of fear but because there is a basis of mutual respect in our relationship. Lukas and I are two souls trying to learn and navigate this lifetime together, and my title as mama doesn’t place me above him.
3. Be kind to yourself
I was diagnosed with seasonal depression two years ago. The depression begins to lurk in right when spring comes around and gets real bad in the summer. I’m not sure why, but that’s just the way my brain works. I have some really low days, some average days and then there are a few days where I feel really good. This past summer I had some really dark days. On one day in particular, Lukas was potty training, and it just so happened to be a really really low day for me. He peed all over the shower curtain and I flipped out. My rigidness and need for control kicked in, I felt like a failure for not being successful with the potty training, I was TIRED of cleaning pee all over the floors at just about every hour of the day, and all these negative thoughts flooded my mind. I lashed out at him and broke down on the bathroom floor. The two of us just sobbed next to the tub, and I felt like complete shit for releasing all my emotions on him. I thought to myself “Ugh, I messed up. My kid is gonna grow up hating me”.
I wanted to make things right, and so I apologized to him. He looked at me, hugged me and said “love you mama”, but it was as if he sensed that I genuinely wasn’t okay and didn’t take my reaction to heart. A few minutes later we sat on the couch and just slothed together as we watched a movie. We are human. I’m human. Please don’t get me wrong- I’m not blaming depression for my actions, but I do recognize that there are going to be plenty of times I mess up as a mom. It happens because we humans are innately imperfect. However, I can use those teachable moments to be better for the next day. My kid loves me, knows me, and knows I absolutely love him with all my heart. Even on my worst days, my kid still sees me with the most loving eyes.
4. The inner child needs to be freed and healed
My need for control left my soul and body rigid, failing to see that my inner child longed and needed to be free and healed. I felt like I always needed to be on guard watching out for moments where I had to correct him because I had such rigid boundaries with myself. That’s not what Lukas needed or needs though, at least not the constant over-correction. Yes, he does need boundaries, but it becomes unhealthy when there’s a lack of them or they’re too rigid. He thrives when he’s given freedom with some guidance.
I slowly allowed my inner child to let her walls down and be present with this sweet boy. I didn’t realize how long it had been since I did that, and it felt so good. I had to tell her that she could come out and play with Lukas because he is a safe space to be super silly like she is. Lukas and I free our inner child when we put music on and have an epic dance party in the living room, sing about the things we’re doing, race from the car to the front door, swing on the swings together, chase each other around the playground, or use my makeup to just paint our faces. Those moments matter. Those moments heal, and moments like those deepen my bond with my boy.
5. Self-reflection is crucial
During my undergrad I learned the importance of being a reflective practitioner as a teacher. Do, reflect, and improve the next time around. I feel like this simple lesson is one that’s so necessary for our everyday. Do, reflect and improve. How often do we look inward and become more familiar with our inner self? It’s scary because we have dark places and deep-rooted hurt and trauma, but if we want to be effective parents and humans, then introspection needs to be a common theme in our everyday life. When we understand who we are, our triggers, and why we do the things we do, then we can identify the steps we need to take on that journey. I once read somewhere that in the absence of reflection, history often repeats itself. I don’t want history to repeat itself with Lukas or our future children.
6. Do the inner healing
There are so many times where a simple thing Lukas does triggers a memory from my childhood. I begin to think about what my childhood was like, the good memories I had with my family and the hurtful ones that they inadvertently caused. Inner healing is the hardest self-work we must do. There are areas in every single one of our lives that were once scarred by a parent or loved one, but parenting somehow gives us the opportunity to heal ourselves. I’ve realized lots of areas in myself that need inner healing, and I’m doing the work because I want to show up and be the best mom I can be for Lukas. I go to therapy, I try my best to unpack and understand my emotions, I try to press pause when I need to so that I model a healthy management of emotions (even then I still mess up, but I’m learning), and I apologize to Lukas when a reaction of mine calls for an apology.
Lukas doesn’t need a perfect mom, but he does need me to show up for him, do the work on myself, and in turn break those cycles so that I can be the best mama possible. I’ve been learning a lot about myself and my inner child. I’ve found that the more inner work I do on myself not only heals my soul, but also heals my ancestral line. At 22 I wouldn’t have thought this mini human would have taught me so much about myself and be an integral part of my healing journey, but I’m so glad he is. He teaches me something new every day, and I’m a better human because of him.
As always, thanks for reading!
Xo,
Raq
