Reconciling Our Faith with Our Dynamic

Katie, Luis and I grew up going to church every Sunday.

Katie was part of UPC (United Pentecostal Church), Luis was part of Concilio Latino Americano, and I (Raquel) grew up in the Assemblies of God church, but also attended a hardcore Latino church for a few years. We learned Bible stories from our parents, went to church 5-6x a week and participated as worship and youth leaders. Among the many teachings we were taught, there was always more of an emphasis on sin and how we must always be “pure” and do right in the eyes of God in order for Him to bless, prosper and be with us. He forgave us when he died, and said we should sin no more. Well that’s what we were taught anyways. We learned that his grace extends only but so much. “It won’t last forever. God is gonna put it to a stop to teach you a good lesson” they’d say, but little did they know that the theology they were teaching us was toxic and did more harm than good.

When Katie, Luis and I ventured on this poly journey in 2014, we truly felt like this was just meant to be, but we really struggled reconciling our faith with our dynamic. All the teachings and the perspectives that shaped our view of God began to flood our minds, one of them being that marriage is sacred and between two people only. Katie and I struggled with shame and guilt for feeling an attraction to each other while she was married, and Luis at times questioned if giving the space for this dynamic to be explored was a sin. We were so worried that God would no longer be on our side- imagining Him as this strict commander always watching whether we were doing good or bad. I remember the nights we’d lay in bed fearing going to hell because Katie and I were exploring our feelings for each other. She’d ask me if I thought what we were doing was wrong, and although all those negative thoughts of God not loving me anymore, seeing me as something unclean and possibly going to hell were in my head, I somehow felt so at peace with how things were unfolding, and so I’d respond to Katie with a semi-confident “no, we’re fine babe”. To be honest with you all, Katie and I broke up quite a few times in the very beginning because of this. She felt like there was a strong call over her life to do something in the Church, and she didn’t want anything to impede that. I understood her and where she was coming from, but Luis would always ask us “why did you two break up again?!” It was as if he was so sure we should be doing this.

Little did we know that this poly journey would begin our journey of deconstruction. If the term is new to you, it just means we began to pull apart everything we were theologically taught in church and question it. We began to dig into church and bible history, the effect societal and political history had on the creation of the Bible, its interpretations, and the agendas that were created to manipulate people. ALL OF THIS MATTERS! In our search for understanding this omniscient being, we began to see so many blessings and opportunities come to life. How was it that all these good things were happening to and for us when we were in “sin”? This went against what we were taught! We were taught that those in sin give an entry way to curses over their lives and everything pretty much goes to shit from there. So why were we experiencing something totally contrary to that?

This shifted the way we viewed God- from a strict parent to an intense and infinite force of Love. We came to an understanding that there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to be deemed worthy by this active Force, nor can we can do anything to earn the love, forgiveness and blessings that are given to us. Through this new lens, we saw how revolutionary Jesus was in his times. The beauty of Jesus is his embodiment of pure love for everyone, including the outcasts. He always partook with the “scum” of society and deemed them worthy. He empowered women, fought against injustice, broke bread with the prostitute, tax collector and the very one who betrayed him, and also called out hypocrisy as the Pharisees were about to stone someone. Jesus was inclusive, and I’m sure that if Jesus were around today he would totally have a beer with Luis, a glass of Hendrick’s with Katie, meditate to binaural beats with me, and share a meal with the fam. I’m sure he would love on us, laugh with us and blow our minds with his metaphors and wisdom. Why would he judge me, exclude me, and stone me for being unique and unconventional? Where did people get this notion that his embodiment of love and inclusion changed from then to now? He wouldn’t judge, because he never did. This Jesus, the revolutionary and counter-cultural being, is the one this family loves, follows and chooses to be a reflection of. This new understanding has freed us of the shame, guilt and fear we once felt and has led us to a place of being confident and transparent in who we are.

If you’re struggling with reconciling your orientation or dynamic with your faith, you aren’t alone. Deconstruction is a good place to be in. It’s okay to even be a place of doubt. Keep questioning. Keep digging. Keep searching. When you do, you’ll find the answers. And always remember, you’re loved by the Source of Life just the beautiful way you are.

Xo!

Raq

Photos by: Barbara O. Photography