Out of Hiding

The journey to being out and proud didn’t happen overnight for us. It took us years to get to a place of living boldly and authentically, and although it happened unexpectedly for us, I’m glad it happened the way it did. In the beginning of our relationship we only told those closest to us. We were scared, and we were heavily involved in the church community, so why out ourselves and lose everything we knew? Throughout the years we told more and more people, but we still weren’t completely out. Coming out to our parents was hard, hurtful, and to be quite frank- a complete shitshow. It did not go well, but we figured it wouldn’t.

Loneliness and a lack of a sense of belonging were a big part of our lives. We lacked community, and by that I mean we lacked a community of people who understood us, our poly struggles and dynamic. Of course we had friends who loved us and were still a part of our lives, but there’s something different when you’re around people who are part of your community. When we created our IG page we found lots of families and dynamics like ours, which was so refreshing. One of the hardest parts in the beginning of our journey was not having support from a fellow poly community or anyone who was able to reconcile their faith with their dynamic, but looking back on it now we see how being alone on our journey forced us to come to our own conclusions. There were barely any resources online, and everything out there felt so outdated! We wanted to be for others what we needed the most.

The more we shared our story, the more confident we became in ourselves and our dynamic. You see, for a while we struggled with shame. We struggled with wondering if what we were doing was “right”, because we were taught that marriage was monogamous. We didn’t have many people in our circle who affirmed us or celebrated us, and we tried not making people uncomfortable because our dynamic was already a lot to take in. By this point, we had come to terms with that and assumed that’s how it would be for the rest of our lives.

Then, Katie got a really cool opportunity with the ELCA, and with that opportunity came so many new people in our lives. More specifically, lots of new and affirming people. The more we integrated ourselves with this new community, the more we were celebrated and valued, even as a triad. No one understood it, but they still loved on us and accepted us. This is what it feels like to be validated, seen, celebrated and have our relationship deemed sacred? How refreshing and healing to the soul! Little did we know that this was a turning point in our journey. It helped us grow more confident in ourselves individually, relationally and spiritually. We saw God through a different lens, and we learned to understand this undeserving grace and love more deeply than ever before.

I began to feel a pull towards publicly coming out, but I was hesitant because I knew Katie and Louie weren’t ready yet, and I wanted the three of us to be on the same page. But, I knew it would happen when it was supposed to. The pull to living authentically only grew stronger, and the three of us finally discussed it- the back lash, gossip, losing people and communities who played a huge role in our lives. My partners just weren’t ready for that, understandably so.

You see, Katie and Louie played an integral role in the Latino Pentecostal church. They were influencers who were looked up to musically, mentored youth, helped develop amazing musicians, traveled all over the DelMarVa area, and even organized and led worship events that brought hundreds of people together. I knew, WE knew, that there would be lots of people talking, but I felt ready to take it on. Katie and Louie were slowly getting there.

I love them both for so many reasons, one of them being how they always encourage me to do what my gut tells me to do; they didn’t want to stop me from coming out if that’s what I felt like I should do. Simultaneously, Katie had been interviewed and was going to be featured on La Luthercostal Podcast hosted by Bishop Leila Ortiz. That specific episode discussed God’s grace, and how our family is a reflection of it being that we are deemed an abomination just for being unconventional, yet God continues to show up for us time and time again. I chuckle at this now, but it didn’t occur to Katie, or either of us for that matter, that she was publicly coming out. That podcast episode was scheduled to be released that same week, and when she realized this she was in shock. Scared. Nervous. Low key a mess. It’s funny how the Universe works, right? All the pieces were falling into place right before our eyes, and so we came to the mutual decision to come out. March 8th, 2019 was that milestone for us.

Friends, coming out isn’t easy. It’s scary, can look different for everyone, and there’s no right way to do it. Whether your coming-out journey looks like a few baby steps at a time or you boldly come out all at once, do what works for you. Find a community of people who love you and support you unconditionally, and above all, always remember that you are loved by an active force of love who is always on your side. If you find yourself being the one who is listening to someone’s coming out story, always listen without judgement, especially if you don’t understand. As our friend always says, “turn your judgement into curiosity”, and always extend love. Try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if you knew you were different coming out to a heteronormative world. I found a good article on coming out. It’s geared for LGBT students, but I think it can help anyone who is in the process of coming out or wants to come out. I hope it’s helpful, and as always thanks for reading!

Xo,

Raq